How to tell your PhD advisor you're pregnant...

This is part three of a series of blog posts, in which I blog about how to succeed as a mother and graduate student. Please note, - this is my opinion, it's how I and some friends got through this successfully, and on what patterns I have observed in others that failed.

During the first trimester, you have quite a high chance of miscarriage. Some people have estimated it at 25%. You really, really don't want to have told everyone at work about your pregnancy, and then to have to tell everybody how you miscarried. It happened to me, - by chance. A co-worker, with whom I was not friends with (but on somewhat friendly terms), asked me bluntly whether I was expecting, when I was 7 weeks. I was surprised, but didn't manage to lie. He was nice and didn't tell anyone else, but when he asked me three weeks later how I was, I had to tell him I miscarried. And since said co-worker was far from a close friend of me, that was no fun at all. So, learn from my fail: pre week 12, only tell those people whom you are comfortable discussing your very private gynaecological and psychological details with.

How to hide the vomiting/tiredness whatever side-effects during the first trimester? If it's bearable, go to the lab, work, try to hide it, or say you caught a cold. If it's absolutely not bearable, take sick leave, - but don't reveal the real reason if you don't have to.

Chances are that if you do, people will label you with "difficult pregnant lady" and "won't be strong enough to manage a baby and a career". i won't discuss here whether that's fair (it's not, and I have a very strong opinion on this), but for pragmatic reasons, you should consider what people see in you. You want them to see a strong scientist, not a mommy (more about this later). So, - suit up. It sucks, yes. But things usually get better around week 10-12.

Once you've reached 12 weeks, the probability of a miscarriage drops significantly, and this is the right time to come out.

How to tell your advisor? Well, first, ask for an appointment. Say something like "I'm pregnant, my due date is xx, I am entitled to leave from y-z, which I would like to take. I have made xxx arrangements in order to keep my experiments running/feed my mice during that time. After I come back, I have daycare arranged and will try to be as productive as I am now, - I have made arrangements for me to be able to do the necessary night shifts. I have also found this grant we can apply to, which will provide money for a technician to replace me while I'm on leave."

Make sure that for all claims/plans ect. you tell her, you can present evidence. Don't make things up. If you don't have daycare yet, say "We are on the waiting lists in daycare A, B, and C."

The key message here is, - don't expect flowers and congratulations. Keep it professional, - this is *not* a meeting to discuss your baby, it's about your science, and how it will fit in. Acting all professional will send your advisor the right signals, - that you are serious to continue.

Then, you will need to give your advisor some time to digest. She may be scared that her research/tenure is endangered, and she, too, needs time to gather information and come up with a plan. If she's any good, she will come up with a great plan. Or at least, she will let you go with your plan. Or she'll have good suggestions of how to improve it.

If your advisor is really, really horrible, find a contact at your university who can help. Another mentor, an equality officer, something.

Also when talking to other people at work, always keep it professional when you talk about your pregnancy, - if you don't lament about how you want a baby so hard but instead point out how you will achieve great science despite a changed personal situation, they can't think of you the wrong way, - because you're constantly proving their ideas wrong.

So, whatever the hormones do to you, - live that out someplace else. Find a friend who's pregnant too, an online forum, anything, but don't discuss pregnancy, or worse, baby related stuff in the lab. You want them to see you as a scientist, not as a mommy. Watch how men talk with their colleagues when their partner is expecting a baby. Observe how little personal detail they share. That's what you want to do, too.

As a final note, - yes, it is horrible that we have to mimic male behaviour in order to be successful as a mother and a scientist. As much as I like rebellion and fighting the system, - while you're pregnant is not the best time to do it. Now you need all your energy to persist, - once you've made it to the top, then do what you can to change the situation for your own students.

How to have a baby during graduate school, part 2

So, I told you how to make a plan for the time of the pregnancy. I assume you've been thorough with that. And I assume you're not further along yet than 8 weeks. Because that's when you should start making plans for the child birth and after.

And, no, I don't mean a birth plan, or how to get your child to sleep through the night, or when to stop breastfeeding or other such stuff, - there are loads of mommy blogs covering these sorts of plans.

No, I mean work, - just because you've got a massive amount of hormones making your head all fluffy and whiny and sick doesn't mean you shouldn't think how you will manage continuing the uber-cool research project that's going to be the topic of your thesis with a child.

So, what's there to plan? Loads.

First, make sure you know the facts. What are your lawful rights? Are you eligible for maternity leave, parental leave or anything similar? Check government web sites, those of your university, your healthcare provider and those of your funding agency. Actively watch out for loopholes you could make use of. Make sure you become an expert in those things, - you *must* know more than your advisor and the uni advisor, because you will need to be your own best advocate.

When you know everything, figure out when and how much time you'll be away from work, and at what point of time you need childcare. Don't plan to get any work done during the time you will be solely responsible for the child. Later more on this, but for planning purposes, that's a clear NO! Make sure you have a financial plan for the time you'll be away from work, too.

Then, find childcare. There are day care centres, in-home nannies, au-pairs, grandparents, be creative, but find something that will cover you once you start working again. Don't ever assume it will be ok to bring the child to work, even if your advisor says she/he doesn't mind. Be professional, above all else.

Even if you don't get a place in that really nice nursery on campus, put your child on the waiting list nonetheless. Such lists are volatile, change quickly and maybe you will want to switch even after your child went to a different place first.

Practicality is your first priority. Find out what sorts of (if at all) money you can get to help with child care, - subsidies or tax credits from the state, uni or council. Dig deep and be grateful for the internet. There are actually grants that let you apply for childcare money.

Make sure your partner does his share of planning. Don't rely on a single plan. Have a plan B. Don't assume you could work one day per week from home while babysitting. NO WAY you can do that. If you want to stay at home a day or so, make sure you are eligible for part-time work, and realise that you'll take longer to finish your PhD. Also, think about your experiments, lab work and other data collection stuff, - will it allow you to go part-time? If not, think of clever solutions.

Also, if you cannot cover childcare all week long, make sure your partner is willing to go part-time, too. You know, both your careers are worth the same, even if you may be making less than him now. It's all about what you guys want, not about 100 or so $ more per month. Buying one shirt more each month won't make you happy when you'd rather be on your way to the nobel price than doing the laundry. So, if you find yourself unwilling to stay at home, but you must because of child-care bottleneck, make sure you share this burden equally with your partner! Staying at home one day per 14 days is much easier than one day per week. Check if he would like to stay at home for a while, too!

Another thing to come to grips with is whether you actually *like* to take care of little children full time. Because, - it's ok to not like to babysit and at the same time to want to have a family. Most dudes think that way. I do, too. I love my kids and would not change my family situation for the world, but I simply find it boring to play with them 24/7. That's ok, your gender does not automatically mean you should looooove being a stay-at-home mum. If you do like it, though, and want to keep your career, make sure you have a good deadline by when you want to go back to work. You'll need to be sure you want to do science, it's easy to get disctracted and forget what it was all about when staying too long at home.

Next, - your science. Even though you've managed to sort out childcare, and you know you can be on campus during normal working hours, there are still a lot of eventualities to cover.

What about when your child is sick? Who will take care? Does you partner know he'll be the one picking up a sick child from day care in 50% of the cases? What sort of experiments/science stuff do you have to do where you absolutely cannot leave and maybe need to stay longer than the daycare center is open? Make sure you plan well ahead - and make sure you partner knows when those times will be, so he can make sure he's got time just in case. And vice versa, of course.

When are the annual conferences/work trips you should attend? Especially during the end phase of your PhD, - you need to show up there in order to get your name out there and score a good Post-doc position. The dates are published usually about a year or so ahead, - get them now, share them with your partner and you both should come up with a plan that will allow you to go there and network. And, no, bringing your baby along is not a good plan. It may pass as plan C, in case when plan A and B didn't work out. Bringing your baby and a babysitter (your partner?) on the other hand is a good idea. Just make sure you can attend dinners and socialise.

The same is of course true for any crucial experiments that require your attention 24/7, - discuss with your partner, find solutions, and don't stop at Plan A, always have a Plan B.

Well, you think, - now I can tell my advisor? No. Not yet. Wait until you are 12 weeks. Trust me. I'll tell you why in my next post.

How to have a baby during graduate school

A warning: I don't do mommy talk. Also, this is no post about what all is wrong with the current system, and what should be but what isn't. I have strong opinions about maternity leave, child care, breastfeeding and so on, however, this post does not deal with those.
Instead, this post is about how to succeed in grad school *and* having a baby for real. It simply deals with how to manage given all the (often stupid) obstacles in place.

So some peeing on a stick was involved, and there's this clear line, - the bun's in the oven. You, hopefully together with your partner, have decided to keep it. However, you are in grad school. You chose a cool research topic, and you love your science. You do not want to drop out, on the opposite, you want to become a rock-star scientist. What now?

The answer is simple: convince your girlfriend to become a stay-at-home wife. Problem solved.

Wait, -uh, you're a woman? Well, that complicates matters, because, you know, stay-at-home husbands are a wee bit rarer than those of the other sex. Damn.

So, because you don't have a penis, you need to plan a bit more. Yes, that's unfair, but since our societies' values and moral compass are unlikely to change during the next nine months, you better have a plan.

So, come up with that plan *before* you tell anyone. Yes, that includes your advisor, colleagues and bff grad-school peers. And, yes, I mean it.
Get your partner to plan with you.

Make a list of stuff you need to do before you give birth. No, I don't mean planning the nursery or buying baby clothes. I mean sciency stuff. Plan to get as much data collection and lab work done during those nine months as you can. Familiarise yourself with health and safety rules. What sort of lab and field work are you allowed to do by law while you're pregnant? For instance, you should make sure to stay away from any ethidium bromide, x-rays and the like. If this seriously compromises your research plan, come up with potential solutions. Are there different methods available? Do you have enough funds for a technician? Are there grants available you could apply to in order to secure the funds? Could you wear gloves when handling kittens? Make that plan, and make sure it's good.

After you've come up with The Plan, think of what would be the worst-case scenario. Come up with Plan B.

Don't be too shy to involve your partner in Plan A and Plan B. You know, he's not going to run around with a big, big belly, but he's in this together with you, so he should man up and be prepared to help you out wherever he can. Maybe he can run those gels for you?

Now you've got two great Plans. That's amazing. But don't rush to tell your advisor yet. You and your partner need another plan, and that one is for *after* the birth. But, I hear you cry, - it's nine months until then! Oh, well.

There are two good reasons to have a Plan and Plan B for after the birth as early as possible:

A) Even though those nine months will feel like forever, you'll be too busy to plan anything until your baby starts college. Trust me. Well, ok, until it starts school, if you're lucky. Why do you think do I post here only irregularly? B) Yes, it's nine months, but many daycare centres and creches have waiting lists even longer than nine months. Especially those close to uni, cheap and of high quality. You want to enrol your child in one of those *before* you know it's gender. C) You may need to apply for grants to help you out financially. Applying takes time, and often, you have to wait a couple of month until you hear about the results. There are many reasons D, E, F and G, but I'll deal with those in the next post.

And yes, in that post, I'll also write about how to tell your advisor. And your mom.

Steven Spielberg, I am disappointed!

Am I the only one being very unhappy with "Falling Skies"? It's the new TV series which takes place six months after an alien invasion the earth and follows the adventures of a rebellion group of humans. A former history professor and his sons are the main characters. The general setting is a great idea, yet the realisation horrible. It's like we're back in the eighties. Flannel-shirted children with blond locks spend a lot of time being unhappy and disillusioned, until daddy comes home with a dead alien and a skateboard in tow. Then we get to see five minutes of children skateboarding in the setting sun. All the while the characters are not developed at all, for example, after three series, all we know of the main character is that he wants to free his other son from the aliens. Or, the teenage girlfriend of his older som, all we know of her is that she wears flannel shirts, too. It's probably supposed to be exotic that she can handle guns and rides a motorbike, but hey, again, didn't we have that with Flashdance in the eighties?

I am really, really unhappy how they murk up all these promising new scifi series, first, Jericho. The setting was wonderful, but it all melted down to a handful of praying farmers. Now Falling Skies, worse than Jericho ever was.

On the other hand, V was great, and I don't know why it got cancelled, really. Same with Stargate Universe, I really enjoyed watching that series. Or, best of all, BG. I wish there would be something as good as BG.

So I have to comfort my soul with Eric Northman over the summer. Well, there is worse.

To doctor or not to doctor?

I have done it again, and the consequences have never been thrown in my face as blatantly as tonight.

I am staying in a smallish hotel tonight, for some work thing. When I booked the room over the phone a few days ago, I pondered saying the room's for Dr. Inacademia, but I quickly gave in to the modesty I've been socialised to express according to my gender, and meekly said: for Fia Inacademia, please.

Fast forward to tonight: I arrived, and the owner said to me: "Mrs Inacademia, Dr Someone will join you on your coach trip tomorrow." I got a peek in his books, and indeed, Dr Someone was written down with the full title.

He said doctor four times in the short five sentence communication we had, he was clearly (maybe wrongly) impressed with someone for having that damn title.
And he also probably took me for none.

I swear, I'll use that darn title from now on even more often, and I won't feel like an impostor, or an arrogant idiot.

And, I am curious of Dr Someone's gender.

Third one on hard work in academia

I have elaborated twice now why I think that urging a student to "work harder" will not help making the student be more successful in hir academic pursuits. I however also do not know what else to do. I always assumed that people who want to do science are motivated internally. I also always assume that people give their very best, because I find it hard to believe that one would choose to do science over any other, more paying, career, and then not trying to be good. Maybe I am very naive here.

Anyways, assuming that this is the case, the only ones I would want to tell to "work harder" are the classic procrastinators. However, for those such an appeal won't do zip, I think. What is more, I think someone who procrastinated a lot must learn how to motivate hirself rather than relying on a supervisor to fling the whip.

My strategy up to know was to ask the student to come up with a time plan, and have regular meetings with hir to remind both of us of how far behind the plan we are, and amend accordingly. If the student is a very bad procrastinator, I would have a talk with hir, reminding hir of the stakes at risk and set clear and, if necessary, hard, deadlines. I would try to talk with hir to find out whether he/she is aware of hir problem, and I would suggest a training in time management.

But I would not ask hir to work harder. People who work in science need to find the ways they can be most productive for themselves, and those are very individual. For some working under a hard deadline does the trick, for others it is to work at night, and for others again it is a regular schedule. Who am I to know, and who am I to tell them? And, shouldn't students, who have studied their whole life, know best how they can be most productive?

Long hours = increase of productivity? Part two.

This is part two of a series on one of my pet hates: the advise to "work harder" in academia.

In my last post I assumed that most people really mean: "you are not progressing sufficiently to reach your/my goal in a timely manner". I have covered why "working harder" in academia (and likely in any other job that requires independent and creative thinking) is not the equivalent of working physically harder. So apparently, what "work harder" in academia often really means is: work more hours. But is a longer presence in the lab, more hours spend at the bench or behind the computer really what people want when they demand hard work? I pose this rhetorical question, because, in my opinion, most, if not all people are not more productive simply by working longer hours. Especially when it comes to tasks like writing and data analysis, where an alert, fresh and creative mind is a prerequisite.

Most people, if asked, will tell you that they spend maximal five to six hour per day on tasks that require their full focus and concentration, other time is usually spend with less demanding tasks (and the occasional visit to Facebook/twitter ect). It seems that there is just a certain amount of highly concentrated work one can do per day, and I do not believe that this timespan will increase significantly when one simply spends more time at ones desk. Granted, the less demanding tasks need time, too, and they need to be done at some point.

So (if you are not dealing with a student who thinks working three hours a day will do the trick) it would make more sense to request a better time management rather than demanding harder work or longer hours. I have made the experience that surprisingly many people in academia are very bad in their own time management, the classic syndrome of this being procrastination, which is the academics most (in-)famous excuse.

I believe that most people who have this problem sincerely wish they wouldn't, that they wish they would simply be able to sit down and start working non-stop for five hours straight. But such persons clearly won't be more productive simply because their boss demands it. A pointer to a good time management course might be much more efficient.

So, clearly, I do not believe that working longer hours will increase productivity. But what does help increasing scientific productivity? I will ponder this question in part three of this series.